Helping children through separation
How children of different ages experience separation, how to support their wellbeing, the mistakes to avoid, and where to find professional help in South Africa.
By The Jointly Team · 12 May 2026 · 4 min read
Children take their cues from their parents. With reassurance, routine, and protection from adult conflict, most children adjust to a new family structure over time.
Reassure, repeatedly
Let children know, in age-appropriate words, that the separation isn’t their fault, that it’s permanent (children often fantasise about reuniting), and that both parents still love them. Younger children especially may need to hear this more than once.
How different ages respond
- Babies & toddlers can’t understand the situation but feel disruption. They need consistency, familiar comfort items, and frequent contact with both parents.
- Pre-schoolers may regress (bedwetting, clinginess) or believe they caused the split. Simple, repeated reassurance helps.
- Primary-school children often feel torn loyalties and sadness. Keep them out of the middle and protect their relationship with both parents.
- Teenagers may act out, withdraw, or take sides. Give them age-appropriate honesty, respect their routines and friendships, and keep the door open.
Protect routines
Predictable routines, bedtimes, meals, school, handovers, give children stability when other things are changing. A shared calendar both parents follow keeps those routines consistent across two homes.
The mistakes to avoid
- Don’t use children as messengers: communicate directly with your co-parent.
- Don’t badmouth the other parent in front of (or within earshot of) the children.
- Don’t quiz them about the other household.
- Don’t make them choose sides or carry adult worries (money, court, conflict).
Let children be heard
Children have a right to be heard in matters that affect them. The Office of the Family Advocate can interview children directly, so their views are considered without having to testify in a courtroom.
Watch for signs, and get help
Persistent changes in sleep, mood, appetite, school performance, or behaviour can signal a child is struggling. Tracking mood over time (Jointly’s journal can help) and speaking to a professional early makes a real difference. South African support includes:
- Childline South Africa, support and protection for children.
- SADAG, mental health and emotional support (counsellors and helplines).
- FAMSA, family counselling and mediation.
There’s no prize for managing alone, reaching out early is good parenting.