Communicating calmly with your co-parent
Practical, proven techniques to keep co-parenting messages clear and low-conflict, from the BIFF method to handling a high-conflict ex, and what to do when communication breaks down.
By The Jointly Team · 20 May 2026 · 4 min read
How you communicate matters as much as what you communicate. A few small habits can lower the temperature of almost any co-parenting conversation.
Treat it like a business partnership
You’re no longer partners in a relationship, you’re partners in raising a child. Aim for the tone you’d use with a colleague you respect but aren’t close to: polite, factual, and focused on the task. That mental shift alone removes a lot of friction.
Keep it BIFF
A widely used guideline is to keep messages Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm:
- Brief: a few sentences, not a history of the relationship.
- Informative: facts and logistics only (times, dates, amounts).
- Friendly: a neutral, civil opening goes a long way.
- Firm: be clear, so there’s nothing to argue about or re-open.
Write it down
Keeping communication in writing, and on record, reduces “he said, she said” disputes and keeps everyone accountable. It also means that if a matter ever reaches the maintenance court or the Family Advocate, there’s a clear, timestamped history instead of conflicting memories.
Pause before you send
If a message makes you angry, give it a few minutes, or a few hours, before replying. A short pause often turns a heated reply into a calm, child-focused one. Re-read every message and ask: would I be comfortable if a magistrate read this?
Dealing with a high-conflict co-parent
If the other parent tends to provoke, the “grey rock” approach helps: stay neutral, unemotional, and boring to argue with. Answer only what’s necessary, don’t engage with bait, and keep returning to the children’s needs. Mark genuinely important items as a formal notice so they stand out from day-to-day chat.
Agree the rules up front
Decide together, ideally in your parenting plan, which channel you’ll use, how quickly you’ll respond to non-urgent messages, and what counts as an emergency.
When communication breaks down
If you simply can’t communicate productively, you don’t have to muddle through alone. Mediation and the free services of the Office of the Family Advocate exist to help parents reach agreement without going to trial, saving cost, time, and stress.